Letter to ESPN

Dear ESPN,
I write to you today expressing my appreciation, which will be followed by two major concerns. You and I have been close now for over a decade. One of the loneliest eras of my life was living without Sportscenter as a newlywed for 10 months. I would wake up hearing the sound, "Da-da-na...da-da-na!!! That dry spell was broken on my first Valentine's Day as a married man. I came home from work to find the DISH truck in my front yard. My wife surprised me with something more than DISH Network, she supplied me with you--ESPN, ESPNews, and ESPN2. There have been moments that she has regretted that gracious gift, yet we have compromised so that I can only watch one Sportscenter show; I used to watch the re-runs. I feel compelled to quickly state the reasons I continue to pay $45 a month for sports:
1) Highlights and recaps.
2) Around the Horn and PTI. These guys have become my friends.
3) Your commercials are second to none.

Thank you for being you.

However, I also write with 2 major concerns and 2 requests. I cannot take anymore of pAy-Rod! Will you please quit making him the highlight of every evening, every show, and every homepage? His face keeps staring at me every time I click on http://www.espn.com/. If his face isn't there, an article is near by. I write on behalf of the majority of the American people--we don't like this guy. His stunt to opt out of his contract during the final game of the World Series was ardently nefarious. It was absolutely appalling. He defies what baseball is about. Baseball is about passion, family, and teamwork. He is about himself, money, and...money. Don't get me wrong, he can play the game, but he doesn't deserve the playing time that you are giving him. My friends on Around the Horn and PTI need to find other things to talk about. We all know how the conversations will go by now. Talk about golf, tennis, or even the recreational sport of Nascar for crying out loud, just get rid of the talk about the greediest person in sports. What's worse, a cheating man taking hold of the homerun crown, or a money hungry, selfish, egotistical, out-of-position 3rd baseman? Umm...

Secondly, citizens of the world agree with me that we can't take another trial. As much as we are appalled by how much playing time pAy-Rod, Paris, Spears, and Lohan get, we can't handle another OJ trial. Please send your legal experts to places where true oppression and liberation needs to take place. Give us reports of how Boys and Girls Clubs are giving people in poverty a chance to play sports. Give us reports of how soccer brings joy to media-less neighborhoods. Just please, no more OJ!

Thank you for considering my requests.

A Sports fan for Life,
Josh Ross

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Also want to give a shout out to my boy BST. Happy B-Day bro!