Thursday, November 15, 2007

Letter to ESPN

Dear ESPN,
I write to you today expressing my appreciation, which will be followed by two major concerns. You and I have been close now for over a decade. One of the loneliest eras of my life was living without Sportscenter as a newlywed for 10 months. I would wake up hearing the sound, "Da-da-na...da-da-na!!! That dry spell was broken on my first Valentine's Day as a married man. I came home from work to find the DISH truck in my front yard. My wife surprised me with something more than DISH Network, she supplied me with you--ESPN, ESPNews, and ESPN2. There have been moments that she has regretted that gracious gift, yet we have compromised so that I can only watch one Sportscenter show; I used to watch the re-runs. I feel compelled to quickly state the reasons I continue to pay $45 a month for sports:
1) Highlights and recaps.
2) Around the Horn and PTI. These guys have become my friends.
3) Your commercials are second to none.

Thank you for being you.

However, I also write with 2 major concerns and 2 requests. I cannot take anymore of pAy-Rod! Will you please quit making him the highlight of every evening, every show, and every homepage? His face keeps staring at me every time I click on If his face isn't there, an article is near by. I write on behalf of the majority of the American people--we don't like this guy. His stunt to opt out of his contract during the final game of the World Series was ardently nefarious. It was absolutely appalling. He defies what baseball is about. Baseball is about passion, family, and teamwork. He is about himself, money, Don't get me wrong, he can play the game, but he doesn't deserve the playing time that you are giving him. My friends on Around the Horn and PTI need to find other things to talk about. We all know how the conversations will go by now. Talk about golf, tennis, or even the recreational sport of Nascar for crying out loud, just get rid of the talk about the greediest person in sports. What's worse, a cheating man taking hold of the homerun crown, or a money hungry, selfish, egotistical, out-of-position 3rd baseman? Umm...

Secondly, citizens of the world agree with me that we can't take another trial. As much as we are appalled by how much playing time pAy-Rod, Paris, Spears, and Lohan get, we can't handle another OJ trial. Please send your legal experts to places where true oppression and liberation needs to take place. Give us reports of how Boys and Girls Clubs are giving people in poverty a chance to play sports. Give us reports of how soccer brings joy to media-less neighborhoods. Just please, no more OJ!

Thank you for considering my requests.

A Sports fan for Life,
Josh Ross


Also want to give a shout out to my boy BST. Happy B-Day bro!


Luke said...

I too love ESPN, but not your attitude towards this wonderful man who overcome the obstacles of a rough childhood.
I feel sorry for your hateful spirit. Alex and Cynthia have decided that their foundation with the Yankees brought them happiness and comfort. That is WWJD-ish. Turning down other opportunities to continue the beneficent efforts of their foundation makes baby Jesus smile. Unlike you Boss Ross, you are just a communist who has an unbased vitriolic spirit towards the Yankees. Not very WWJD-ish. Unless the J is Judas.
Maybe you should listen to the immortal words of Creed, "If only we could replace all the hate with love..."

Rick Ross said...

"ardently nefarious"? Did Randy Harris teach you that?

jross said...

P.S. Thanks for giving Keith Olbermann the boot.

Jonathan said...

I was with you until you posed the question "what is worse, a cheating man who wins the homerun crown or a egotistical, out of position.....?" That is like asking who the worst actor, Keanu Reeves or Vin Diesel. I mean let's stop beating around the bush and just call bad, bad. They are both bad.

Now on to Luke defending the New York Yankees and their "WWJD-ish" actions...I would love to hear how you would support the al-Queda, as well?

Now the OJ trial thing, that is just ridiculous. Just put give the guy his sentence and we will see him in 10-20 doing the same things.

Steve Sargent said...

I dare you to email that to ESPN:

My wife's favorite ATH guy is Woody Paige.

Jonathan said...

now your Keith Olbermann comment, that is straight legit.

Luke said...

First of all- "Out of position" is that what you call Cal Ripken too when he moved to third, Magic when he played center when Kareem was hurt, or Randy Couture when he moved to Heavyweight? Its what's best for the team. A-Rod looking not to his own interests, but to the interests of others. That sounds Biblical, right?
Second- Boss you are the biggest Bond's fan I know. Duplicity, my friend, is truly "ardently nefarious."
Third- Jonathan, I am sorry that you and your brother live with such acrimony. Your mom seems so nice, I dont know how you guys turned out so bitter.

Anonymous said...

All of this is almost as bad as an NBA owner producing an anti-troop movie........... wonder who I could be referring to??? You would never see this type of behavior from "Pop" or "The Admiral"

P.S.- I don't care if I offended the rest of you, but please know Mr. Rick Ross that I have the upmost respect for your love of the Mavericks and admire you as a preacher, father, husband and a mighty fine dresser.

Anonymous someone from New Zealand

Chris said...

I agree with you Josh. As a daily reader of, I must say seeing A-Rod's face is like a cold shower to my love of sports. There is something true about him though: he is a rod of sorts.

Luke, don't mention Cal or Magic and A-rod in the same sentence unless you are commenting on their differences. That is like comparing Couture to Cro Cop. Couture doesn't even belong in the same paragraph as the superior Mirko who will lay the ultimate beat down on Randy's old bones.

Anonymous from New Zealand, sorry to hear the All Blacks didn't win it all this year. If it makes you feel better, the Haka still makes me wet myself

Brandon Scott said...


Your friendship means more to me than you could know. Looking forward to talking today.


Luke said...

Cro Cop might have beat Randy two years ago when he actually thought he had to train, but he should worry about finally getting a win in the UFC not about beating Couture. If Kongo (whose takedowns are worse than mine) took CC down, one can imagine what Couture would do to him.

Chris said...

Here is some take down defense. Heath is actually the older brother of a guy I went to high school with.

Cro Cop will get his. It is only a matter of time before the toughest member of the Croatian Parliament will win a UFC fight.